Fit to be W i d e

I'm 31 weeks pregnant now and boy do I look it. I've gained about 21 lbs so far and I can tell you it's ALL in my butt and thighs. My doctor, however, encouraged me that the weight will come off in no time. Of course family members have a different opinion. For example, my mother constantly repeating her mantra, "You'll never be the same size again, haha!" It's not exactly something that makes me feel stellar about my body. Perhaps weight is something trivial as is appearance, but I've only just turned 20. My looks are in their prime and I would like just once to wear a bikini to the pool or to the beach; something I've never been comfortable doing before since I've always been pudgy below the ribs. Before I got pregnant, I was just beginning a regimen to start taking off the wobble. Oh well, in time I suppose. I doubt I'll ever look as good as I did pre-pregnancy and I feel awful that I took it for granted. But you know what they say Karma is....

Speaking of taking things for granted, I got to thinking the other night about how much I miss the norm of everyday American life...probably because we're not in America. My husband took me out to this lovely little Italian restaurant where we shared a giant calzone and watched in silent horror as another American family was apologizing for their raging toddler flinging all their dishes to the floor sending broken shards of glass and plate everywhere. We mused over the miniscule size of the beverages they serve; they couldn't have measured in at more than four ounces, which is probably all anyone should drink of soda at one time, but it was still quite amusing as we recalled with fond memories of the giant Coca Cola glasses filled to the brim with empty fizzy calories that you'd get at Denny's. Ah how I remember how you could even get free refils. Not here in Japan, though. It's the little things like that, that find me pining away for home. I honestly think I will tear up the first time I can give my order to a waitperson without having to point and gesture like a neanderthal and actually have a nice "Hi, how are you today?" conversation with them. It's those things I miss the most about the united states, besides my family of course.

I'm sure there are things here that I'll miss, too but right now, I'm too busy wanting to go home to think about it. It may be soon, though. As early as this December or as late as perhaps March if there'll be the money to do it. I just have to keep my head up until then and also work on my list of things to do while we're there. There's always something to look forward to.

Case of the Missing Mommy Brain

Lately, I just don't know where my head is. I've always been a little forgetful but nowadays it seems like I'm downright ditzy. I've been having more of those "Where the heck is that whatever?" and the whatever is in my hand. Or how bout when I yell at the dog and I have to go down the list of every pet I've ever had before I reach "TOSHI!" Drives me crazy. In general I've been a babbling bumbling baboon for the last few weeks. Will I ever get my brain back? *thinks of her own mother* ...Please don't answer that!

I must just have baby on the brain. But, alas, it seems like I'm the only one who does. I really think that I'm the only person in the world happy about my identity morph into "mommy". My family members are nothing short of horrified. While my sister gave birth at my age now, she was always kind of the flake of the family. I was the golden child with solid concrete plans of college and a man-free future as a successful career woman. I was the practical one. The one with no social life who didn't even have a boyfriend until she was 16. I was self-sufficient, independent, and had a "spark" to do anything and everything I wanted. Now look at me. I'm 19, married, a college dropout, knocked up and all of it happened within the span of two years (at least I'm not fat). I feel like I let my "not parents til they were 30" parents down. I know they're ashamed of me. My mom tells me so every e-mail I get and my dad just has so much despair in his tone when he talks or writes to me about my life now. My sister, now almost 30 and married with two kids also looks down on me because I repeated her mistake. Well maybe not repeated exactly, but she certainly didn't want me to become a mom so early because she's been there. She wanted me to live a little. It hurts to know that instead of thinking of this surprise as a new life to come into the world to be cherished and loved, it's the end of the life of someone who was supposed to BE something.

Everyone else around me, though, is pretty much indifferent on the matter, including my husband. I think with him, it's just that it hasn't quite set in that we're having a baby, you know? I mean I'm hardly showing and not much has changed other than he doesn't have to worry about that one week out of every month where I shower 10 times a day and wear pants to bed. He's always been a "deal with it when it comes" kind of guy. But unfortunately that has left me to do and plot out things alone. For example, the birth plan. He has no interest in talking with me about anything that has to do with what's going and needs to happen when the baby comes and will only give me a half-hearted "You should get the epidural. The pain will tire you out." He doesn't realize that he has to be my coach, my rock, and my advocate in the hospital. He also tells me where to stick it when I start talking about moving the computer to a different location. Right now, we have it in the spare room which I want for the baby. I know he doesn't since that room is his "private" area where he can spend time with his computer when my libido turns ice cold but come on! The kid has to have a room. We'll have a little bit of time since I'd like to keep the baby in our room for the first few weeks before moving his crib but I just wish he'd at least help me clean that horrible place. It really is disgusting in there but I won't get into the details. Just think, "litter box".

But the one group of people I thought would be ecstatic about the pregnancy are now completely indifferent as well. My in-laws. They are a baby-obsessed family but lo and behold, my sister-in-law had to get pregnant right after I did. And she's pregnant with the long anticipated GIRL (she has two boys already). I guess this is sort of good. I mean I don't like my mother-in-law. I think she's overbearing and intrusive. With her dream grandbaby girl right there in her house (yes both her daughters and their husbands and all the kids live with them) to keep her occupied as opposed to another little boy billions of miles away, I won't have to worry about 6AM calls offering unsolicited and often dangerou advice that makes me want to tell her off ("You should add honey to a baby's bottle!" O_O um WTF lady). But I wish they could be just a little excited about it. Oh well.

For now, I'll just think of it as "more for me!" when I go online browsing (can't afford anything else :P) or imagine a dream nursery, or formulate my birth plan. I really think the others will learn their lesson when they realized they've missed out. Not that I want anyone to 'learn a lesson' but sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way. As much as it sucks and as much as it hurts me, I just hold true to the fact that at least I love this child and I love that I'm going to have him in my new life as "mom". I will cherish this pregnancy while it lasts and enjoy all the good stuff about it and if no one wants to share in my bliss, that's more for me.


But speaking of more for me, I wish I had some brownies...Brownies with banana pudding on top. Yummmm....

Throwin' Windows, Smashin' Bricks, and Mother's Day

So yesterday was my first 'unofficial' Mother's Day. It was a nice end to a crazy weekend which I didn't get to blog about when it started.

Saturday, Tristan got called into work to witness the humiliation of a young man in his squadron who decided, along with some of his friends, that it would be a terrific idea to throw a brick through the window of a shop after a night of boozing. I'm not sure how many of you outside the military circle are familiar with all the hooplah that went on down in Okinawa involving the rapings, stabbings, and burglaries by US Service members but since then, all of Japan has been a little on edge concerning the US military establishments peppered through the country. This prompted the Saturday walk of shame for this guy down at the squadron. After that, everyone there got rewarded with an hour of building cleanup and the young man and his cohorts had to do an official, what we call, Gomen-Nasai Visit. Gomen-Nasai means "I'm very sorry" in Japanese and basically all it is is an official apology made by the offender, and whichever higher ups can be spared that day. I'm not sure what other kind of trouble they're in as far as with the Air Force but all of them are getting their pay docked to pay for the window. All I have to say about that is I'm glad they got caught. These stupid idiots here that treat our kind host nationals so badly make my blood boil. We are guests here in someone else's home. To be here in Japan is a gift, and while American shenanigans are few and far between here in Misawa compared with the other big bases of Japan, it should still be inexcusable. I really do love the Japanese people here. They're so quirky and friendly. I just wish that these young guys (and some gals too) could find other ways to have a good time than consuming enough booze to buzz a small country. It's a shame how many people here have problems with substance abuse.

And speaking of which, before I go on about yesterday, it's not only the service members that are getting into trouble these days. This particular story really got my knickers in a knot as do others like it. Dependents, especially spouses, have a duty to set a good example in our community and people like this give us all a bad name. Not too long ago, there was a gentleman, another civilian spouse, who was perusing the neighborhoods and actually WALKING into people's houses (people are quite lax about the door locking thing here) and taking what he wanted. Dependents are a privilege, not a right, to have here in Misawa in my opinion. We're so lucky to be able to come here with our families and experience Japan together yet so many of my fellow spouses take it for granted. They complain and complain about how miserable they are and because of that, they cheat on their husbands or wives, do drugs, abuse their children, and turn to alcohol. All I have to say is if you're so miserable, there are flights going back to the US every day. Go back home, and get your crap straight. You have no right to be here. Now, I know I do my fair share of complaining too but most of my complaining comes from the people here. Not Japan. I love Japan with every fiber of my being but the people at this base are really something else...All too often I hear complaints of "Japan is too different," "why don't they speak English?" "There's nothing to do," and it just makes me so upset. Just leave and let the rest of us here who want to enjoy this country actually ENJOY it.

Okay, rant mode off but I just feel so strongly about that. Onto more lighthearted things...Yesterday was a much better day and a very wonderful Mother's Day for me. Tristan and I didn't do anything special but he was extra nice to me and extra patient with all my quirks that usually drive him nuts. He didn't bat an eyelash when I couldn't decide on what to eat and he kept his mouth shut when I begged him for a latenight run to go get milkshakes because I was craving one so badly (and it was delicious might I add). He basically let me dictate what I wanted to do and just smiled. It was just so pleasant to spend the day with him without rushing out the door because we needed something at the BX or him sitting at home bored while I cleaned muttering about our house being an EPA violation. What really took the cake, though, was when a stranger actually wished me a happy mother's day. I guess I really do look pregnant now. For a while I was just looking a little pudgy but I'm glad I'm not crazy and others can see it too. That absolutely made my day....along with the gift of those little kung fu punches from my son, of course.

So to all the mothers out there, including my own who is spending her first mother's day without me, I hope you all had a wonderful mother's day. You deserve it!

"Canis lupus pain in the assus"

I love my puppy Toshi. Really I do. I've always wanted a Chihuahua. I just love their spunk and personality and the way they take themselves so seriously. But lately, I've been pondering the breed of my little one. I'm not so sure he's as Chihuahua as he is a DEMON FROM HELL! Oh not really, he's not THAT bad...he's just been having some issues with potty training lately. We've got him trained on puppy pads since the weather here in Misawa hasn't completely turned warm yet and he will NOT go if he's cold. He'll just hunker down and shiver, bless his little black heart. He's still not big enough for a sweater so inside he stays most days. He was doing well for a while but then started with the accidents. This coupled with the stress of his job really sent Tristan over the edge. It began with him going right in the middle of the room. But then when Tristan put his foot down and started yelling and rubbing Toshi's lil button nose in it (behind my back after I told him not to), he started hiding his dirty little secrets just like I said he would. So every day when I get distracted for just one second or he escapes to some part of the house he's not allowed in, I have to get on my hands and knees and look for hidden 'treasure'. Not only that but he's still in that bitey stage. I'm really concerned what with the baby coming and everything. I know puppies are all gonna be like this and I'm confident in my ability to keep puppy teeth and baby skin separate as I had to do with my nephew and mom's toy poodle when he was little but still...It makes Tristan really, really angry (he is not, I repeat NOT a dog person) and in turn it stresses me out. But this little ball of fur and teeth has brought me so much joy and laughter since we got him. He really is a character. Lately the poor little thing's new problem is skin allergies. I was beside myself last night (til about 4 AM) when I discovered that he's been scratching himself so hard and so much that he tore a nice big hole in his little ear where it meets his head. I just wanted to cry seeing my teeny tiny little baby bleeding because he's itchy. He goes to the vet soon so hopefully she can help.

But, alas, tonight is yet another sleepless night. Tristan came home from work and while I won't get into the details, it just wasn't pretty. It broke my heart so bad. The stress at work just piled on him so much that he just broke. It was a pretty weird evening to say the least. Usually I have dinner cooking when he comes home and we talk about his day but he was just silent the entire night even after he calmed down. He also ordered a pizza without saying so much as a word to me (money's tight this paycheck) but I figured he deserved it so I let it go. We ate and watched half of 'Airplane!' before he just went to bed. I tried my best to keep the night lighthearted so I hope he's feeling better. While we were waiting on the pizza, we talked a little bit about what our options are as far as him maybe training into another job (he's an aircraft mechanic) but that's up in the air for right now until he can talk to someone. If it were only just the two of us, I wouldn't even bat an eyelash if he tried to go for a general discharge so we could just start over...but now, of course, we've got a very expensive addition to the family coming so we're stuck. Sometimes I wish I could do a role reversal and let him quit so I can join (and do a different job of course) but he won't have any of that. And I wouldn't be able to leave my kiddo anyway.

This is just one of those masive crashes that happens every once in a while. We just gotta pick up the pieces and keep moving like always. Hopefully the week of leave hubby applied for will get approved and we can have another mini-vacation like last month. I just want to see him smile again.

In the Beginning There Was...Pie

I've been a blogger for a while, now. A looong while actually. Over the years I've started many a blog with no real intent or purpose other than to rant and rave about daily life. Well I suppose this blog is more of the same but still...it's different. I'm much older now at only 2 months shy of 20. I have a family. And for the first time I can say that I'm happy...generally speaking of course as I do get down sometimes. What do want from me? I'm pregnant and rampant with what my dear husband Tristan calls HORRORmones. Well, horrormones or not living this life isn't easy. Allow me to share with you a little about me and just what that life entails.

My name is Kara and, like I said, I'm 19-years-old and will be 20 at the end of June. I'm nearing the end of my glory days as a teen but, honestly, most days I feel 40. I'm married to the love of my life, and I'm sure people take that with a grain of salt every time they hear that from a teenager, but he really is and is in my opinion, the greatest person in the world. Tristan is the other half of my jagged little soul and without him, I'd be just a walking disaster. He is my high school sweetheart, my best friend, and my hero and that's not just because he wears the uniform of a United States Airman. In everything I do, he supports and encourages me. He listens to me and never balks when faced with the task of taming this wild and fiery red-head. He tackles daily life with my eccentricities and annoying habits with the patience of a saint and hardly ever complains. He also spoils and dotes on me like any loving hubby and I secretly adore it when he does that even if I do put up a fight. We also do have our bouts of frustrating and hurting each other but at only a year married, we are still learning and growing as a couple. Through the arguments and the hurt feelings, we always come out on top of the negativity.
The two of us are also expecting our first child (oh surprise, surprise a pregnant teen...yeah, yeah take your snark and shove it up yer butt) who's due to arrive September 3rd and hopefully no earlier. My son is my little treasure even though I don't know him yet. I love him more than any words can say even if I do panic that he came a little earlier than we had planned. Despite that fact, he is eagerly awaited by mommy and daddy who can't wait to start this new adventure with him.

As I mentioned earlier, my husband is in the Air Force. It's a good life but at the same time I wouldn't wish it on any family. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I breathe a sigh of relief when I think about the mortage, utilities, and other common bills we don't have to pay. I'm excited that my husband gets to go to college for free and I love being able to just "eh whatever" when I get all comfy in bed at night and realize I forgot to lock the front door. I feel so blessed to be able to say "I live in JAPAN!" and am fascinated daily by the culture and the people and I dance with glee knowing our family members can't breathe down our necks or show up for unwelcomed visits. Yet, at the same time this life has brought me to horrible tears and a few nervous breakdowns.
My husband and I were separated for 9 months while he trained to do a 12-hour-a-day job that barely pays minimum wage and makes him unhappy and frustrated. I can't help but dread when the phone rings on the weekends thinking it's work calling him in for whatever shift they want with no notice and not a care as to how much sleep he got. I feel sick when I think of how only two weeks after my son is supposed to arrive, Tristan has to leave for Iraq. I want to scream when I see the price of an airline ticket back home. I despise the cookie-cutter lifestyle of the military, how everyone pulls rank, and the facade the Air Force puts up when they preach about how much they "try" to put family first. They don't give a damn and they think it's their right to be able to do that in exchange for some crappy housing and college money they won't give him until he's already been stomped on and degraded for 4 years. That may sound a bit harsh, but it's reality for us. Perhaps other people love this lifestyle and wouldn't trade it for the world, but we have realized that we made a mistake. When my husband's 6 year contract is up (only 4 and a half years to go! WOO HOO!) we are so out of here.

But in the end, we do the best we can. Yes, we're away from our families, yes my husband will more than likely not be here for the first 6 to 9 months of our son's life and we're too broke for me to go home, yes we are tormented daily by people higher up in rank and their family members, and yes I do get a little stir crazy being at home alone 12 hours a day with no job but we push past the tears, the breakdowns, and the stress and just hold onto one another. We brush off the dirt at the end of the day and whisper "it's not forever" whether it be to each other or to ourselves when we're miles and miles apart. In our life together, where there are tears there is laughter, where there's frustration there is joy, and where there is a good-bye there is a 'welcome home'. So, yeah it's not a life I'd wish on anyone but know what? It's OUR life. No matter how much I bitch and complain, I can't help but love where I am, the man I married, the kid that stomps on my bladder, and our two psychotic pets.



I doubt anyone will ever read this but if you do, thanks from the bottom of my crazy little heart. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a frozen apple pie leftover from Christmas to bake! What? It expires in October! >:P